Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dearest Dr. Margie & Sir Jeremy:

Hello! It’s Florence and Machine. We’re a lesbian couple of over 5 years about to begin a new journey: moving in together. But our main problem is we don’t know how to tell our parents or what to say to them if we do decide to share the news since we’re not out to them. There have been speculations on both sides about us being a couple, but we’ve been denying it as they’re all homophobic.

Florence’s side is more aggressive in terms of homophobia while Machine’s parents are more of a devout Catholic with their prejudice disguised as righteousness. We’re also adults and we’ve already started our careers, hence, the decision of moving in together. Besides that, it became unbearable for us to be with them and deal with them every single day because there are too many problems to be addressed.

We’d love to move out early next year but we really couldn’t figure out when our parents are in the way. We’re both overthinking the possibilities of what comes after. If there would be any suggestions on how we can work this out with less confrontation as much as possible, we’d love to take it into consideration for our peace of mind. Thank you both so much and please do let us know what you think.

Florence and Machine

Dear Florence and Machine (F&M),

Thank you for your email.

Homophobia is very difficult to deal with, particularly when it is present in your immediate family. It is even more so when you are still living at home and thus  dependent on your parents.

There are various coping strategies that can be adopted but all depend firstly on remembering that you cannot necessarily change other people and that trying to educate them is not necessarily going to work.  

It is important to have a support group, especially if you  do not have any supportive family members. These may be a partner, friends, members of gay or other communities and if appropriate even mental health professionals.

A second strategy is to try to set boundaries, for self-protection. Life will become immeasurably easier if you can establish which areas of your life are off limits to your homophobic relatives. This may be achieved through calm and rational discussion or by the simple expedient of keeping certain parts of your daily life hidden from them. Bear in mind that although secrets are not an ideal solution, you will not be living at home indefinitely so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

It is also helpful to have a safe space where you can be yourselves, if only temporarily. This gives you the opportunity to relax and recharge your batteries, and plan for the future.

In your current position, F&M, your options seem limited until you are in a position to leave home. Once you have the means to be independent, you can establish your own household and manage your own lives along the lines of your own choice, admitting family members as you alone see fit and on conditions you are able to establish. 

Early next year and independence are almost to hand, so hang in there until then.

Best wishes,

JAF Baer

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Dear F&M:

Thank you very much for your letter.  I admit to asking myself what your problem really was, really is.  After all, neither of you are beholden to your parents – not financially (as you both have jobs that earn you enough to contemplate living together) or emotionally (as you have each other, and it seems you do not agree with your family’s values). In fact, some of their values you downright disagree with, such as their homophobia, whether as is, or cloaked as you accurately (and sadly) described it,  “disguised as righteousness.”

Then I realized. You ARE beholden to them, not in actual fact, but in your minds!! 

Yes, yes, I realize others will disagree, exclaiming  “You owe your parents your very lives!!”  and other clippety c*ap like that.  

But we are talking reality here, and reality bites.  Generally, parents take care of their children out of love, not as a favor to them. Neither is it because they want their children beholden to them for the rest of their lives.  Well… at least not parents who want to raise children to become emotionally healthy adults.

This is what you both are now: adults – fully capable of making your own decisions, supporting yourselves, and taking responsibility for all your actions.

You are beholden to them in the same way you are to any sentient being: to be as fair and as kind to them as possible. To behave towards them as you would towards yourselves.

You do not have to be sure they agree or support your lifestyle. You do not have to behave in such a way that they are comfortable with whom you choose to live with, and whom you choose to love.  It would be terrific if they did, but it is not your responsibility that they do.  Who or what they like is their responsibility and even if they don’t respect your boundaries, you make sure that you do.

But you already know all this, Frances, Machine. When you write “we don’t know how to tell our parents… if we do decide to share the news”  It shows you realize that expanding your boundaries to include them is not a necessity, but an honor you may choose to bestow.  

It’s really all in your heads, gals, when you express your need to have your homophobic parents happy about your moving in together.  Sure, it’d be great, but so would earning a million dollars.  So would having a vice president that really cares what happens to us Filipinos.  You can live without it, therefore it is not a need, but a want.

Like the legendary bear Ina, who still walked as if she were limited to the area she was caged in before she was set free,  you must make sure imaginary shackles are recognized and thrown off. 

One of my favorite sayings is “Better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.” There are, of course, certain limitations to this.  But the best thing about it in your case is that…this doesn’t apply to you!!!  You do not need permission to live a happy, fulfilled life as a lesbian, or as non binary, or even as a hetero!  God, what a wonderful world this can sometimes be.  Mabuhay po kayo.

Admiring and celebrating all your freedoms,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com