Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr. Holmes & Mr. Baer,
The moment I met Greg, I knew he was the man for me. My parents will try to kill our relationship even if he is respectful, well educated, and has a good job. If I try to bring him home, they will stop me by the gate and whisper that I can come in, as long as I do not bring that egoy (a derogatory slang word for a black person) in. They will say neighbors will notice and will look down on them. They will smile at him, even coming outside the gate to shake his hand, because they know that I will remember what they told me and not let him in our yard.
I am 38 years old, NBSB (no boyfriend since birth). I am pretty and charming. I had many suitors when I was younger, but I was not interested. My parents accused me of being a lesbian. They forced me to go out with the sons of their friends. I went but nothing happened.
Greg is 50, but looks past 60. Another reason my parents will not like him. But if he were white or Filipino, Chinese-Filipino, even Korean, they would be ok with it. Just not Black. They always make bad comments when we see Black men with Filipinas. I do not know what to do.
Sincerely,
Frustrated Filipina
Dear Frustrated Filipina (FF),
Thank you for your email.
The human mind is such that it can conjure up an almost infinite number of prejudices, many of which are based on little more than a deviation from a social or cultural norm. Race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, all are grist to the discriminatory mill. And unfortunately it is often just because the person in question is simply different and therefore adjudged to be threatening. That this reflects much more on the “threatened” is an irony that usually goes unnoticed by those fulminating against whatever it is.
After all, it is often much easier to deflect blame on a third party than address one’s own deficiencies.
FF, if your parents are of this ilk, then clearly there is probably little you can do to change their minds though this does not mean you shouldn’t try. Opposing your relationship solely on the grounds of color is of course indefensible. However, if they remain intransigent, then you have to consider weighing the value of your relationship with Greg against your willingness to chart your own course separately from your family.
You are 38, an age at which it is reasonable to suppose you are capable of being an independent adult with a mind of your own.
While you say Greg is the man for you, you do not say if you are the woman for Greg. If you are, then you both can follow the Latin adage “audentes Fortuna iuvat” (fortune favors the bold) and make a life for yourselves regardless of your parents and neighbors. Often with the passage of time hearts can soften and compromises can be reached. But whatever comes to pass, you can draw comfort from the fact that you are living your own life as you see fit.
All the best
– JAF Baer
Dear FF,
Thank you very much for your letter. I am glad Mr. Baer has given the wider perspective of racism, so that I can now focus on the more clinical aspects of having a smoother relationship with your parents and perhaps, even more importantly, your relationship with yourself. In fact, that your boyfriend is black might even be considered incidental. Working on yourself can pave the way to your solving what you consider the biggest obstacle to your blooming relationship — your parents.
One thing I noticed is that most of the behaviors you describe to show how prejudiced and unreasonable they are are all things they might do in the future. You may be 100% right, but then again, you could be even 10% wrong? But do you see how your tendency to project bad things that could happen might keep you from actually doing things for yourself?
Two questions with a clinical perspective: Do you ever foresee good things that might happen? If yes, what does that say about you? If no, what about the situation makes you feel braver/more optimistic about the future? Whatever the answer, it will help you focus on aspects of yourself that need more working on.
While I do not like giving “tips” the ones I learned from the light-but-chock-ful of- realistic-advice article “How to stop being a people pleaser.”
Here are some snippets, all from different psychologists:
“You can also role-play saying “no” with someone you trust” so you are more confident saying no to your parents. Example: No, I will NOT keep Greg outside our yard.”
“Start by telling others that you’re going to disappoint them… like: ‘This is going to disappoint you — I can’t make it tonight,’…Saying this out loud helps you to assume control of your fear of letting the person down”.
“The assertive new you might take people by surprise — and if they’ve long heard “yes,” they may keep hounding you when they hear “no,” …BUT … “Even if there’s a little pushback, stay consistent. People can dislike your boundaries at first but also learn to respect them.”
“When you’re tempted to fall back on your urge to please… anticipate the specific things you’ll get if you stay firm, instead of imagining the other person’s disapproval.”
Dearest FF, it will definitely be more difficult and for longer when the people who have to accept your more confident, non-mousy self are your parents, but stay firm. You owe it not only to any person you have future relationships with — black people, lesbians, non binaries, poor people, etcetera — but to yourself.
Mr. Baer wrote: “While you say Greg is the man for you, you do not say if you are the woman for Greg.”
On the one hand, this is a very important situation to consider.
On the other, this may not be THAT important. I will never forget what Ethel S. Person, a medical doctor and psychoanalyst once said, something to the effect that romantic love gives you courage to do things you never thought you could do. If Greg gives you the courage to behave differently with your parents, then even just knowing him will be more than enough. AND, should it lead to something deeper and more lasting, then WOOHOO, that is more than what many people can ever hope for.
My very best wishes,
– MG Holmes
– Rappler.com
Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.